Message for the soul

Have you ever been stuck in a sort of numbing stage?

So the cancer “monitoring” is, indeed, apparently still a thing. Nobody ever called me to discuss the results of my mri, and when I read the report it sounded all implant-related, and I saw the word “benign” and felt super safe, and thought no news was good news (meaning no one had contacted me to discuss the results). But yesterday at my follow up appointment with my breast doctor, I was corrected from my understandings from reading the report without the input of a medical professional.

There are, indeed, spots that the breast care center wants to monitor for possible squamous cell carcinoma. My follow up mri will be in February.

Every time I think about this I lose my breath. Is anyone with me? Is anyone else waking up every day wondering if, I mean, it’s not limited to cancer. It’s wondering (worrying?) about whatever weirdass random inexplicable shit that happens to people.

But you know what? I feel like shit but I don’t feel like that’s the right message for my soul right now. The message for my soul right now is that I’m a fucking warrior. I’ve been through this and more and have emerged stronger. I’m capable of handling this and more (not tempting more either). The message for my soul right now is one of kindness and especially gratitude, for keeping me intact and saving me from my sick brain.

I do not look like the picture I paint at this moment. But I try, I try and I believe that I can get there somehow just within my reach but so so elusive

Thank you for listening; let me know if you can relate.