Looking up

After messaging my psychiatrist about the sudden and ongoing suicidality (no plan though), I was able to see my awesome therapist sooner than scheduled. That was yesterday. It was an intense session but ended on a good note. If you read my last post you might remember that this time I’m just letting the depression, the cptsd, just wash right onto and off of me. Yesterday someone opened an umbrella for me, metaphorically speaking. It’s still pouring but I am more protected. I feel safer.

I feel like shit but I am showing up. I’ve helped the family out with driving the boys to and from activities. I picked up a couple of things we needed from the grocery store. I got a car wash. I tried to donate plasma but couldn’t because of one of my blood levels was too low.

I applied for a job.

In the midst of the chaos and the uncertainty, the self-doubt and the self-hatred, and the unknown and the sickness, there lies a spark. Move forward, it says. Take a (baby) step. So I did it. I took a baby step. Even though I’m kinda passively suicidal. This (taking a step while suicidal) is new for me, and that’s a wonderful thing. Can’t expect different results by doing the same thing, right?

Back to the treatment-resistant major depression that never ends…I’m going to talk to my awesome psychiatrist about additional alternative treatments like esketamine and emdr (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). I’ve done ketamine infusion therapy before. It was great but ridiculously unaffordable to maintain, and insurance didn’t cover it. I’ve also done emdr with a previous awesome therapist, and it worked fabulously. I’ll write more about it another time. My last psychiatrist prescribed esketamine for me but my insurance company denied it because I had the “wrong diagnosis” for it.

Soapbox moment: so…doctor says I need esketamine. Insurance company apparently has the final decision and says no, even after an appeal. Um…why and how can an insurance company veto what your doctor says you need? That’s just dangerous for humankind. Anyway, I was unable to afford it so I went without. Insurance companies are overriding your doctors recommendations and making decisions about your health care. This is so fucking dangerous. Soapbox moment complete.

Oh blah dee oh blah dah life goes on

BRAAHH

la la la la life goes on.