Hey it’s me again, Kathy. I don’t have cancer

So that’s good.

I am 53. I am a survivor. Of cancer (2007) but also of worsening mental health and unresolved trauma. All the disorders. Not really of course but sometimes it feels like it.

I’m a bit dejected because I’m having a hard time of it recently. For some reason the depression and/or ptsd slammed into my brain like a fucking freight train last Tuesday and I’ve been “fighting” suicidal thoughts and ideation since then. I put the word fighting in quotes because honestly what I’m doing is curling up in bed, trying to breathe, letting the poisonous thinking fall fall fall right onto me but wash right off. Like yeah, yeah I’ve heard it all before keep it coming, I can take it.

I’ll message my awesome psychiatrist tomorrow morning. So much more to tell. Pretty sure I suck at blogging at this point. Ugh depression brain